If you are reading this, you probably already have a feeling that something is wrong in your relationship. Maybe you feel drained, anxious, or confused more often than you feel happy and secure. Maybe your friends have expressed concern. Maybe you have been searching for answers online, trying to name what you are experiencing.
This guide is not a diagnostic tool, but it is a starting point. The following 30 questions will help you honestly assess your relationship. Answer each one truthfully — not with the answer you wish were true, but with the answer that reflects your actual experience.
Read each question and answer "yes" or "no" honestly. Keep a running count of your "yes" answers. At the end, you will find a scoring guide that explains what your answers might mean. Remember: this is not a substitute for professional advice. If you feel unsafe or controlled, reach out for help regardless of your score.
No relationship is perfect, and a few "yes" answers do not necessarily mean your relationship is toxic. However, pay attention to which questions you answered "yes" to. If they cluster around control, criticism, or denial, those are worth addressing — either through honest conversation with your partner or with a couples therapist.
This range suggests that your relationship has significant toxic elements. You may be in a relationship that is unhealthy even if it is not full-blown abuse. Pay close attention to the patterns. Consider talking to a therapist — individually, not just as a couple — to get an objective perspective. Read our guides on controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, and gaslighting to understand what you are experiencing.
This range strongly suggests you are in a toxic relationship. The patterns you are experiencing — control, manipulation, emotional abuse, or gaslighting — are not normal and not something you should have to endure. You do not need to "fix" the other person or try harder. The problem is not you. Consider reading our guide on how to leave a toxic relationship and reaching out to a therapist or a domestic violence hotline for support.
This range indicates a high likelihood of emotional abuse, and possibly physical danger. Please take this seriously. Reach out to someone you trust, contact a therapist, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788. You do not have to make any decisions today, but you do need to talk to someone who can help you see the situation clearly and plan your next steps safely.
The questions in this guide are based on established patterns of toxic and abusive relationships. They cover the major categories of unhealthy behavior:
Control: Questions 5, 6, 7, 13, 21, 25 — controlling who you see, what you do, and how you live is a hallmark of toxic relationships.
Emotional manipulation: Questions 3, 4, 9, 10, 12, 14, 17, 28 — these questions target manipulation tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and emotional blackmail.
Emotional abuse: Questions 2, 8, 11, 15, 16, 19, 20, 26, 29 — these questions address the emotional impact of being in a toxic relationship: loss of self, fear, walking on eggshells, and feeling unseen.
Power imbalance: Questions 18, 22, 23, 24, 27, 30 — these questions look at whether the relationship is balanced or whether one person holds most of the power.
This is a self-assessment guide, not a clinical diagnostic tool. It is based on established patterns of toxic relationships, but only you can truly evaluate your experience. If your gut tells you something is wrong, trust it — regardless of your score.
No. Even a few of these patterns, if they are consistent, can make a relationship toxic. The number of "yes" answers matters less than the pattern. If you answered "yes" to questions about control, manipulation, or fear, those are serious regardless of the total count.
Self-awareness is important. If you recognized yourself in some of the controlling or manipulative behaviors, that is worth addressing — ideally with a therapist. But taking responsibility for your own behavior does not excuse your partner's behavior toward you. Both can be true.
Sometimes, if both people are willing to do the work — usually with professional help. But the key word is "both." If only one person is trying, the relationship will not change. Read more about the signs in our guide on signs of a toxic relationship.
1. Trust your gut. If you took this quiz, something prompted you to search for answers. That instinct is worth listening to. You do not need a perfect score or a clinical diagnosis to know that something feels wrong.
2. Talk to someone. Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Say the things you wrote down. Saying them out loud — to another person — is often the first step toward clarity.
3. Get objective feedback. Tools like AIRTA can analyze your text conversations and flag toxic patterns objectively. Sometimes seeing the patterns in black and white makes them harder to deny.
4. Educate yourself. Read our other guides on gaslighting, emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, and how to leave a toxic relationship. The more you understand, the harder it is for someone to manipulate you.
5. Make a plan. If you decide the relationship is toxic, you do not have to leave today. But you should start planning. Read our guide on how to leave safely and consider working with a therapist to develop a plan that is right for your situation.
If you are afraid of your partner — physically, emotionally, or both — please reach out for help now. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text "START" to 88788. You can also call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
AIRTA analyzes your text conversations and flags toxic patterns by name — gaslighting, manipulation, control, stonewalling, and more. Seeing the patterns objectively makes it harder to deny them.
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